Dear Success Seeker,

Last weekend I faced a difficult dilemma. My 91 year-old father had come to spend the weekend with us in Vancouver. We usually go to see him in Victoria, but he comes here once or twice a year because he likes to visit my aunt, who is a frail 97 years old and lives in a local care home. At the end of each visit there is always the unspoken question of whether this will be the last time he sees his sister.

We were planning to visit my aunt on Saturday until we were notified that a number of residents and staff at my aunt's care home had been stricken with an upper respiratory illness. My aunt was sick with it and not really aware of her surroundings.

Thus the dilemma. Should I take my dad into the care home to visit my aunt and risk him getting infected? Or should we cancel the visit knowing Dad would not be back in Vancouver for at least six months and my aunt might not live that long? My intuition said to go ahead with the visit, but then I used to be a hang glider pilot. Maybe my risk tolerance is too high for this situation.

I laid out the facts to my father and asked him what he wanted to do. He was concerned about his own health, but even more so about transmitting the illness to his own seniors residence in Victoria. He reluctantly said, "I guess we should not see her this time." I sensed uncertainty in his answer, so I asked him directly: "If you don't see her this visit and then she dies, would you feel any regret?" There was a long silence and then Dad said hesitantly, "Maybe we could have a short visit?"

So we did. We put a surgical mask on Dad and washed our hands a dozen times, but he got to see his sister. And I'm so glad we took the risk because next morning we got a phone call that she had died in the night.

I felt sad about her death, but the pain was overshadowed by a huge sense of relief that Dad would not live with the heaviness of regret.

Although our coaching program is business-oriented, I have provided this personal example because it is such a poignant illustration of making conscious choices to avoid the pain of regret. The problem with regret is that there is little you can do to eliminate it after the fact. If you make the wrong decision today you might carry the burden for the rest of your life.

Nor do we operate our businesses in isolation from our personal lives. In fact, most entrepreneurs will tell you that balancing their personal priorities with the demands of their business is an ongoing challenge.

Just a few days ago I was coaching one of our ProCoach members whose father is terminally ill and will die very shortly. This member employs several staff and is rebuilding his business after a series of setbacks. His business needs his attention and so does his family. With the memory of my aunt's death fresh in my mind I told him, "I don't know what is right for you to do, but here is how to make your decision. Ask yourself what you need to do now in order to live without regret after your father passes on."

Living with no regrets requires that you stop, listen to your heart and identify what is truly most important to you.

Here are some self-coaching questions you can use:

General situations: "How can I handle this situation in a way that ensures I have no regrets regardless of the outcome?"

Family and friends: 1) "If this person were to die today, what regrets would I have and what can I do to eliminate or minimize them?" 2) "Who in my life would I feel incomplete with if they were to die?" 3) "To whom do I need to express my love, appreciation or gratitude in order to feel complete?"

Investments: "Which would I regret more; if I sold this investment now and the value increased, or if I held onto it and the value dropped?"

So far I have been discussing how to handle specific situations, but there is a broader perspective on regrets as well. In October 2008 I interviewed Dr. John Izzo, author of "The Five Secrets You Must Discover before You Die." One of his conclusions is that at the end of our lives we are more likely to regret the things we wanted to do and never tried than the things we tried that did not turn out as we hoped. He challenges his readers to take risks in their lives, moving towards what they want rather than moving away from what they fear.

The life-coaching question: 1) "If my life ended today what regrets would I have?" 2) "What will I do now to live my life with no regrets?"

There is no point dwelling on any regrets you already have if there's nothing you can do about them. However the rest of your life is ahead of you. Strive from now on to live a life with no regrets.

Every time I say goodbye to my father, I ask myself, "If this is the last time I ever speak to him, will I feel complete?" Invariably my final words to him are, "I love you".

Your Coach,

Andrew Barber-Starkey, Master Certified Coach

Bonus Material

This song may help remind you of what is most important in life.

Listen to Andrew's interview with Dr. John Izzo, author of "The Five Secrets You Must Discover before You Die."

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